Nugget Lord of the Flies

I have been teaching for almost ten years and I am still overwhelmed by small children. The littlest ones, the nuggets as I call them, those adorable 4-7 yr olds you just want to smoosh in your hands, are the most terrifying group of students to teach. Cute but terrifying. Put them in a group and I swear we could do a reenactment of Lord of the Flies and I am Piggy.

I have taught nuggets multiple times and no one has died. Perhaps my soul has died a little, but no one has physically died or been harmed. In fact, for the most part, kids that age love me because I make really silly faces and sounds. They laugh at me a lot, which is better than most other alternatives I suppose. It's not so much the one on one, or even the teaching that I find challenging, it's the group mentality, the follow the leader syndrome. If one person says something funny, everyone else has to repeat it or add on. For example, 'Miss Lexie you look really old today',  laughter ensues,  next child 'yeah you look super old', next child 'you look 100 years old' next child 'you look like a zillion years old'.  So, of course on the outside I am laughing with them and making some sort of agreeing remark, but internally I am having a mini temper tantrum 'SHUT UP KIDS - that is a sensitive topic right now!!!!!!!'

This past year, I decided I missed teaching nuggets. Now I am going to blame this lapse of judgement on two very specific things. Firstly - I just turned 30 and biology has begun screaming BABY! at my uterus frequently. That whole biological clock thing is real. Secondly... I had been drinking the night before. Drinking always messes with one's judgement. So I took on a production of Aladdin Kids with a group of 5-7 yr olds. The class was only 75 minutes, Saturday mornings for 10 weeks - easy peasy right?

I pulled up to the rehearsal studios the first day and before I could even walk in the door, I heard the screams. And as I walked in to the studios I saw 14 nuggets of joy in a room, running around, chasing each other, screaming in Mariah Carey-esk tones, in a room that echoes. At that moment, my uterus was confused while my full out teacher mode jumped right in. It’s time to play. These kids aren’t mine! I can send them back in 75 minutes. Let’s play!

At the beginning of class every week I would have the students sit in a circle and I would ask them one question. Sometimes the questions were basic like 'favorite ice cream flavor' but many times, the questions required students to use more of their imagination. The more creative the answer, the more attentive the nuggets would be. On this: a day of teaching I will never forget, I asked said nuggets the following question. If you could have one wish from the magic lamp, what would it be?

A land full of puppies - Totally on board. Yes, fantastic. I would live there.

A house made of candy - Not practical... I mean weather and all that... But sure - on board.

I'd wish for someone to be in love with me so I could kick them in the private parts!

Mayday... mayday... Ralph this is Piggy... our plane is crashing. Crash! Here we are in the jungle. 

Myself and my high school assistant freeze, in shock, jaws open, stunned. The 13 other students break out in to laughter. Some kids fall on the floor in stitches. They start laughing about private parts, then they start talking about private parts, then they start pointing at private parts (some of which were wrong), then they start saying 'I love you' and fake kicking each other in the private parts (Again, some of which are wrong). Within five seconds, the entire room had exploded into a cacophony of acting out scenarios, screaming, hi-yahs and noise... unidentified noise. I snapped out of my stupefied state just in time to stop one kid from kicking another in between the legs (although that would be correct placement of a 'private part' so good for you kid for knowing anatomy). Just as I stopped them, another two start screaming I LOVE YOU... and you know what comes next. My smallest child, a little four year old started following me around, using my butt as a punching bag.  It was like that scene from Mean Girls and Kindergarten Cop rolled in to one. I wanted to run... I didn't... but man did I want to. It was the longest three to five minutes of my life. 

Just like any fantastic comment at that age, it was forgotten within five minutes and eventually we regained some structure. As a teacher, my initial reaction was to stop and talk to this child about where she could have possibly gotten this idea. I mean, kids don't pull that idea out of thin air. Did Disney Channel mess up and kick one of their teen heart throbs in the balls? I did tell her that if you love someone you don't usually kick them, especially in the private parts. She didn't seem to understand. I fear for her future partners. 

During the Aladdin and Jasmine scene at the end of the show, I definitely saw my five year old Aladdin try to kick six year old Jasmine. She was giving her final little speech, which of course ends in 'I love you ... Aladdin'. As his foot started to rise off the floor, ready to give her one swift kick, I shot him a very stern 'Don't you dare' look. Remember what I said about no one dying, still true.

You know what the best part of this story is?  If anyone asks me about this production of Aladdin all I can think about is their smooshable little faces, their out of tune rendition of a Whole New World that made everyone cry and their little baby harem pants. When I remember the jungle and the plane crash and the noises, it even seems adorable. Yes, it could be the 30 year old uterus or it could just be that kids really do say the darndest things and it makes life that much more interesting.