Schooled by a Tween
“If I was meant to be controlled, I would have come with a remote”
Ahh the tween years! That grand time when children learn about sass, snark and talking back. They are still young enough to get a pass, but old enough that it is just NOT cute. I mean - really not cute. They don’t know the line between fun, joking, sass and being down right mean. I think I have had my adult feelings hurt more by tweens than I have by adults. I’m not entirely sure what that says about me… but I digress.
Last year I was subbing a small workshop style class made up of 8-11 year olds. I was familiar with many of the kids but I was not their regular teacher. There was one high school assistant in the class that I had known since he was 11 or so. This kid, we shall call him Jet, was now one of the most popular kids at the theater. Jet was tall and handsome, with a low voice and the swagger of a frat boy who just turned 21. In addition to all that bro-like energy, he had a heart of gold. He was an odd mix of all the things and I loved it
Jet and I sat in a circle with all the kids and started to explain who I was and what the plan was for the day. Mid sentence the oldest tween in the group interrupted me just to ask “Are you two married?’’. Sadly, this is a common question amongst the kids. Not me and Jet per say, but kids really like to pair people up. If I am standing next to a boy, they think we are married. Nevermind if I am 14 years older than the boy or if the boy I am standing next to is gay (which Jet is not but many others are). They don’t see those things.
I quickly answered absolutely not. Explained that I was far too old for Jet and that he was way too cool for me and moved on.
I continued with my spiel and not 30 seconds later the Tween jumps in again and asks “How old are you? Because you look really old?”
The kids all start to giggle. Four years ago, this little tween could have gotten away with saying something like that and it somehow being endearing. Now - it was just snarky.
Without wanting to give her too much attention, I explained that I was 30 years old and that the way she asked that question hurt my feelings. Usually, that does the trick. Not this time. She proceeded to roll her eyes, explain that 30 was old and that she has a right to know how old I am! She has a right people! A RIGHT dammit.
I gave a quick witted response, explained that we had a lot of work to do and I would appreciate her focus and respect. She rolled her eyes and we continued. I fully realize that I should have taken her outside, spoken to her privately and tried to knock some sense into her Tween-ish brain but I was just the sub. I had a goal and that goal was to get through these two numbers. The goal was to take care of the other 9 kids who weren't making me question my decision to go into education.
We stand up in the circle and are starting to move around, shake it out and warm-up our bodies a little when all of a sudden little-miss-Tween calls out STOP! Everyone freezes.
“I know what you and Jet are! You are brother and sister because you both have bad skin and acne!’
I swore I heard her wrong. This little tween with the pink bow in her hair did NOT just say that to me (and Jet). She wouldn’t dare. I turned around the look at Jet and our faces were exactly the same. Jaw hung open, hands released, completely stupefied in the position of utter shock.
The best part about all of this is that most of the other kids had NO idea what was happening. They were too young to understand the complexities of oily skin and hives from allergies. They just kept looking between the adults, still stupefied, and Tween, who had this grin on her face like she had just masterfully executed the greatest evil plan in the world
Eventually I came back to life and said, “You and I are going to talk later!”. I was so angry I was afraid I was going to rip that bow right out of her head. I knew better. We did eventually sit down to chat. I explained the complexities of celiac disease and how it causes me to have hives all over my face. She didn’t care much. Then I proceeded to use the oldest tactic in the parenting/teaching book. “How would you feel if I said something mean and rude about your appearance” Her response…
“Say what you want. I know who I am!’
... Then she walked away
… and that was the day I got schooled by a Tween!
