A Chance To Be Full Of Joy
“Burn the bridge, bet the store
Baby’s coming home no more
Not for the life of me
Break the lock, post my bail
Done my time, I’m out of jail
Not for the life of me”
GUEST BLOGGER ALERT: Sophie is a former student, turned mentee, turned little sister. Here she writes about her experiences as theater transitioned (and continues to transition) from a hobby to a career. Had it not been for the current pandemic, Sophie would be getting ready to walk in her college graduation this week. I am beyond proud of the woman she has become. Her strength, resiliency, positivity and love shine through in every fiber of her being. Happy Graduation Sophie! You can do ANYTHING!
Theater has been a part of my life for the past 11 years. As soon as I set my foot on a stage and did my first performance, everything changed. Not only did I FINALLY find a hobby I enjoyed- I hated everything, ask my mom- but I also knew I had to and was going to do it forever. I felt a sense of freedom and release. I was home. Sure, there was heartbreak and tears for certain roles I didn’t get to play, but in the end I was always thrilled to get to do anything at all and be a part of something special. I also had no problem stealing focus in the back of group scenes, so that helped! Getting to do this thing I loved was enough and I did it as much as I could.
All I ever wanted to do was be in that rehearsal room, on that stage, or taking voice and dance lessons. I ate, slept, and breathed theater. I often was “too talkative” in class and “too loud”, or “over expressive” … “extra”, if you will. Theater was a place for me to put all that energy that was reprimanded and minimized in my everyday life. Rehearsals were the highlight of my days and weeks. Being surrounded by people who also found this overwhelming joy and comfort in something that was unseeingly vulnerable and scary at times, was the most bonding experience I’ve ever had amongst my peers. At the ripe age of 17 years old, theater was everything to me. My joy, my sadness, my laughter, my heart ache, my home.
(I want to preface that this has nothing to do with Pace’s Acting program whatsoever. I feel extremely grateful for the training I received there and I thoroughly enjoyed and gained SO much from getting my BFA in Acting. This is more about my personal journey and relationship to being a performer)
Going to college for anything performing arts related is unlike any other college experience. Then add living in New York City on your own… It’s a lot. I’m a little less than a month away from finishing up my BFA in Acting at Pace University. Something interesting about going to school for theater, is that you never get to do any theater. Crazy right? But really, the most valuable lesson to learn.
The first couple years of acting school were still super fulfilling because I was bombarded with work in classes that were performance based- from scene work to screaming our monologues at the walls and crawling around the room like different animals. By the end of sophomore year my performing arts classes started to dwindle, I wasn’t in a show and I had to get a job to keep up with my expenses. The pressure of life and adulthood on top of school, minus the constant engagement in theater… I felt like something was missing. I was less invested in my school work and distracted with all the other BS, leaving room to fill my head with so much self-doubt. Also, as much as I would love to live in my suspended disbelief that performing arts school isn’t at all catty and competitive, it’s naïve to believe that to be true. You are constantly being critiqued and compared and judged. This was the cherry on top. The one thing I had felt the MOST confidence and freedom doing, I now felt the most insecure and scared of. The pressure I was putting on myself was taking away from all the love I had for this art form. I missed that childlike spirit that being a part of theater had always given me. I was itching for that sense of control and safety in my life that performing and my community had always brought to me growing up. I began to try and control other aspects of my life that became extremely unhealthy. Theater was this place I found family and now was a place I never felt more alone. My passion began to feel like my day job. I knew there had to be a way to find a balance between these seemingly opposite areas of my life.
Finally, after 5 semesters of not being part of a production (not uncommon in BFA programs), I was fortunate enough to do a main stage production at Pace called “Peter and the Starcatcher”. Getting to finally be in a performance and create something magical with a group of talented people, was what I needed to refuel my gas tank. I got a taste of what it was like to be a professional actor, to do both the boring adult stuff and have the magical rehearsal and performance moments. I was on cloud nine. But like any good high, there was yet another fall off. It took me about another year to realize that that’s exactly what I signed up for. I had to find a way to still enjoy my life when what brought me the most happiness was inevitably fleeting.
But the biggest lesson I desperately needed to learn was that I am more than just an actor. In order for this career to be sustainable and to not resent it when it feels impossible, it couldn’t be the ONLY joy in my life. I had to find what else lit me up, dig deep and get curious. I tried multiple jobs, from being a full time nanny to working in fine dining because that’s where the money was. I ended up resenting both. When i finally reached the point where i was jobless and helpless, i remembered that my other passion was health and wellness. I had been on a health journey for the past four years and aside from acting it was the only thing I could truly talk about all day. Low and behold I now have a job at a wellness company and I finally feel like I have a purpose aside from my artistry. Just being in quarantine has taught me that the little creative moments like getting out my old coloring book and crayons or learning a dance on tik tok can fulfill me when the theater goes dark. I developed new passions, hobbies and fleshed out who I am outside of my actor identity. I found worthiness outside of the only thing that ever made me feel worthy.
Theater still brings me all the feelings and purpose it brought me four years ago or even eleven years ago. However, it is not the ONLY thing that allows me to be who I am anymore. Performing is still my favorite thing to do and I can’t imagine my life without it. But in order for me to be able to do this forever and make a life out of it, I had to realize I was enough without it. Now more than ever with all the madness in the world and this unimaginable shift in the natural flow of our lives, we’ve had to give up and sacrifice so much. Live theater being one of them. In times like these where even the biggest stars are forced to take a seat and not experience the everyday thrill and magic of being a performer, finding creativity and community, and most importantly joy in other ways has been keeping us all afloat. Although there’s no comparison to the feeling that theater brings performers and audience members alike, reminding and proving to ourselves that we can still find spirit and connection in other aspects of our lives makes all of this a bit easier to deal with. Theater is my obligation BECAUSE it makes me happy... but I am not obligated to do theater in order to be happy.
